Tired

I'm tired of searching for things "on a budget". I don't even have a budget. I'm tired of being poor. I wish that things would just come easier. I work hard. I do everything I can. I'm exhausted all of the time. But I never say no if someone needs something. I'm still the dependable one. I'm still the one that's always there. I'm still the one that can't say no. I'm still the girl that anyone can walk all over. And I know it. But when I start to say something, I feel bad. I'm allowed to want things, and feel things. But I feel guilty when I do. And really, when you really think about it, I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Racheal and I aren't like we used to be. And I can't talk to Kevin. He just shuts down. And then I feel guilty about it. I don't have money, or obviously any sort of self respect, and I'm friendless. It feels like high school all over again. And maybe that's why it hurts so much. I don't want to go back there, but I don't know how to move forward. I looked online. I looked into doing surveys, selling things, secret shopping, unemployment, food stamps. Everything. Even a second job. But nothing. I don't have anything worth selling, the time to do surveys or secret shopping, I make too much for food stamps, and Kevin won't ever file for unemployment. I'm just stuck. And I really don't think I'm ever going to be able to get out. I'm tired of being scared.

love

Going to far?

I just saw a commercial for baby wipes and diapers that are "proven" to be mild for the softest of skin. And we're constantly spraying chemicals on our counters and stoves to kill germs. And there are health codes saying you have to wear shoes in a restaurant and don't you dare walk in that bathroom barefoot. This is what I think. Before people used soap and water to wash there counters, before soap they used water, before when people didn't have water in the house, they didn't wash the counters. They used cloth diaper and used wet wash rags for wipes. People went everywhere barefoot, ate food that fell in the dirt, they didn't have health codes, or shower every day. And yea, the death rate was higher then, but a lot of people survived. I think that people of this day and age are waaaay too concerned with being healthy. If you constantly use hand sanitizer and spray everything with lysol, the second a germ gets into your body, you'll get sick. Get dirty, skip a day in the shower, go barefoot. You won't die.

I know :)

I know I'm not engaged but we're getting married so why not start thinking about it now?

Fall wedding. Late October/early November.
Chocolate brown and sage green.
Dress, Bouquet and Cake on weheartit.com/katarcha
All family in the wedding party.
First dance: I'm thinking "Your Song" by Elton John but I still have to run it by the man first :)

Anyway, if I don't write this down I'll forget. If I write it on paper, I'll lose it. So here I am, blogging my wedding plans for a wedding that doesn't even exist yet. I know I'm messed up. But I love him :)

10 Memories From the Past 12 Months

1. Christmas :)
2. Last August when Nanny and Kathie came to visit
3. Getting my new job
4. 2 Years <3
5. Got my tattoo
6. omg... marilyn
7. Freaking camp.
8. Kabob House
9. Babysitting my babies :)
10. Moving, and then moving again.

princess? i'd rather not.

All these little girls all around the world watch Cinderella and Snow White and all they wanna be is a cute little princess. They wanna find that "prince charming" and fall in love, wear big, pink dresses and cover everything in sparkles. For real?
I never wanted to be a princess. I didn't go around looking for the love of my life, I don't really like pink much, and if everything was covered in sparkles I would probably get sick. I always wanted to be a real person. I don't play games, I don't hide my feelings, and I no longer let people take advantage of me. Life is way to short to pretend that things are okay or act like everything is perfect. It isn't perfect and that's what I like about it. I'm not afraid to say I've made mistakes and I'm not going to act like I like you if I don't.
Sometimes people ask me why I like the movie Moulin Rouge. Today I figured it out. It's about a prostitute that falls in love with a penniless writer but has to pretend she loves someone else and balance both relationships. And sorry if you've never seen it, but she dies in the end. I love that movie because it's real. They exact story line may be a little far fetched, but sometimes you love someone you shouldn't. Sometimes life is rocky. And it isn't always a happy ending. I don't wanna be a princess who lives happily ever after, I wanna be someone who knows what it's like to be happy because I've been unhappy. Someone who knows how important it is to be in love because I've been brokenhearted. I want to be a real person.

10 Places I Would Like to Visit...

1. Greece. I will go there before I die.
2. Egypt
3. Italy
4. Ireland
5. New York
6. California
7. Africa
8. Brazil
9. Paris
10. Hawaii

I've been in the midwest my entire life. I would love to get out and see the world.