Tuesday, June 7, 2011
I'm tired of searching for things "on a budget". I don't even have a budget. I'm tired of being poor. I wish that things would just come easier. I work hard. I do everything I can. I'm exhausted all of the time. But I never say no if someone needs something. I'm still the dependable one. I'm still the one that's always there. I'm still the one that can't say no. I'm still the girl that anyone can walk all over. And I know it. But when I start to say something, I feel bad. I'm allowed to want things, and feel things. But I feel guilty when I do. And really, when you really think about it, I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Racheal and I aren't like we used to be. And I can't talk to Kevin. He just shuts down. And then I feel guilty about it. I don't have money, or obviously any sort of self respect, and I'm friendless. It feels like high school all over again. And maybe that's why it hurts so much. I don't want to go back there, but I don't know how to move forward. I looked online. I looked into doing surveys, selling things, secret shopping, unemployment, food stamps. Everything. Even a second job. But nothing. I don't have anything worth selling, the time to do surveys or secret shopping, I make too much for food stamps, and Kevin won't ever file for unemployment. I'm just stuck. And I really don't think I'm ever going to be able to get out. I'm tired of being scared.