Tuesday, June 7, 2011


I'm tired of searching for things "on a budget". I don't even have a budget. I'm tired of being poor. I wish that things would just come easier. I work hard. I do everything I can. I'm exhausted all of the time. But I never say no if someone needs something. I'm still the dependable one. I'm still the one that's always there. I'm still the one that can't say no. I'm still the girl that anyone can walk all over. And I know it. But when I start to say something, I feel bad. I'm allowed to want things, and feel things. But I feel guilty when I do. And really, when you really think about it, I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Racheal and I aren't like we used to be. And I can't talk to Kevin. He just shuts down. And then I feel guilty about it. I don't have money, or obviously any sort of self respect, and I'm friendless. It feels like high school all over again. And maybe that's why it hurts so much. I don't want to go back there, but I don't know how to move forward. I looked online. I looked into doing surveys, selling things, secret shopping, unemployment, food stamps. Everything. Even a second job. But nothing. I don't have anything worth selling, the time to do surveys or secret shopping, I make too much for food stamps, and Kevin won't ever file for unemployment. I'm just stuck. And I really don't think I'm ever going to be able to get out. I'm tired of being scared.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Going to far?

I just saw a commercial for baby wipes and diapers that are "proven" to be mild for the softest of skin. And we're constantly spraying chemicals on our counters and stoves to kill germs. And there are health codes saying you have to wear shoes in a restaurant and don't you dare walk in that bathroom barefoot. This is what I think. Before people used soap and water to wash there counters, before soap they used water, before when people didn't have water in the house, they didn't wash the counters. They used cloth diaper and used wet wash rags for wipes. People went everywhere barefoot, ate food that fell in the dirt, they didn't have health codes, or shower every day. And yea, the death rate was higher then, but a lot of people survived. I think that people of this day and age are waaaay too concerned with being healthy. If you constantly use hand sanitizer and spray everything with lysol, the second a germ gets into your body, you'll get sick. Get dirty, skip a day in the shower, go barefoot. You won't die.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

I know :)

I know I'm not engaged but we're getting married so why not start thinking about it now?

Fall wedding. Late October/early November.
Chocolate brown and sage green.
Dress, Bouquet and Cake on weheartit.com/katarcha
All family in the wedding party.
First dance: I'm thinking "Your Song" by Elton John but I still have to run it by the man first :)

Anyway, if I don't write this down I'll forget. If I write it on paper, I'll lose it. So here I am, blogging my wedding plans for a wedding that doesn't even exist yet. I know I'm messed up. But I love him :)

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

10 Memories From the Past 12 Months

1. Christmas :)
2. Last August when Nanny and Kathie came to visit
3. Getting my new job
4. 2 Years <3
5. Got my tattoo
6. omg... marilyn
7. Freaking camp.
8. Kabob House
9. Babysitting my babies :)
10. Moving, and then moving again.

Monday, March 14, 2011

princess? i'd rather not.

All these little girls all around the world watch Cinderella and Snow White and all they wanna be is a cute little princess. They wanna find that "prince charming" and fall in love, wear big, pink dresses and cover everything in sparkles. For real?
I never wanted to be a princess. I didn't go around looking for the love of my life, I don't really like pink much, and if everything was covered in sparkles I would probably get sick. I always wanted to be a real person. I don't play games, I don't hide my feelings, and I no longer let people take advantage of me. Life is way to short to pretend that things are okay or act like everything is perfect. It isn't perfect and that's what I like about it. I'm not afraid to say I've made mistakes and I'm not going to act like I like you if I don't.
Sometimes people ask me why I like the movie Moulin Rouge. Today I figured it out. It's about a prostitute that falls in love with a penniless writer but has to pretend she loves someone else and balance both relationships. And sorry if you've never seen it, but she dies in the end. I love that movie because it's real. They exact story line may be a little far fetched, but sometimes you love someone you shouldn't. Sometimes life is rocky. And it isn't always a happy ending. I don't wanna be a princess who lives happily ever after, I wanna be someone who knows what it's like to be happy because I've been unhappy. Someone who knows how important it is to be in love because I've been brokenhearted. I want to be a real person.

10 Places I Would Like to Visit...

1. Greece. I will go there before I die.
2. Egypt
3. Italy
4. Ireland
5. New York
6. California
7. Africa
8. Brazil
9. Paris
10. Hawaii

I've been in the midwest my entire life. I would love to get out and see the world.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

10 Things I Have Accomplished So Far...

1. I graduated from high school
2. I'm about to finish my second year of college
3. I've made great friends (matt:)
4. I've become a member of a great family
5. I've over come all of my struggles to be a good person
6. I've made tons of mistakes, but I've learned from them all
7. I love who I am
8. I don't second guess myself anymore
9. I've forgiven people that most people wouldn't
10. I've learned to step out of my comfort zone and do things I wouldn't normally do

While some of these things may not seem like accomplishments, they really are. These are things that I am personally proud of doing and feel like it means something that I did succeed in them.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

10 Ways I Can Help Someone Else Are

1. Old Navy Give and Get (coming up soon)
2. Teaching
3. Tutoring
4. Listening
5. Understanding
6. Forgiving
7. Taking responsibility
8. Being there for someone
9. Suggesting ways to make things better
10. Doing everything I can to be a good person

Sunday, February 27, 2011

10 Things That Make Me Cry Are

1. I cry when I'm beyond mad
2. I cry when I'm stressed
3. I cry when I'm scared
4. I cry during Mighty Joe Young
5. I cry when I haven't cried in a long time
6. I cry when I'm hurt
7. I cry when I feel betrayed by someone I love
8. I cry when I'm alone
9. I cry when you cry
10. I cry when reading the book "Before Women had Wings"

I really recommend that book. It's probably more interesting for girls. It's the only book that's ever made me cry. It's an easy read and it's wonderful.

Friday, February 25, 2011

10 Things That Make Me Laugh

1. Kevin
2. Small children
3. Stupid people
4. Craig Ferguson
5. Jersey Shore
6. Super Bowl Commercials
7. Bad drivers
8. Zac
9. Glee
10. Barney Stinson

Thursday, February 24, 2011

10 Things I Have Learned So Far...

1. To be strong
2. To stand up for myself
3. To let it be
4. To keep moving no matter what
5. Some secrets are meant to be kept
6. It's okay to be afraid sometimes
7. You need someone to confide in
8. It isn't hard to be a good listener
9. Hard work pays off over time
10. Nothing is ever free

11. Shit just got real (That one's for my baby (:)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

10 Things I Believe In

1. Love
2. Happiness
3. Second Chances
4. Redemption
5. Forgiveness
6. Myself
7. Success
8. Laughter
9. Hard Work
10. Family

I just want you all to know that these lists aren't in any specific order. I just write them as I think of them :)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

10 Things I Would Love To Have For My Birthday

1. An awesomesauce party
2. A hot tub
3. An awesomesauce hot tub party :)
4. Money
5. My own computer (of the not netbook variety!)
6. A vacation
7. Boooooks
8. A new, bigger, comfier bed
9. A maid
10. A puppy (:

Monday, February 21, 2011

10 Things I Value About Life

1. Kevin :)
2. My Family
3. My Friends :)
5. The People Who Love Me
6. My Job
7. My Blanket
8. My Memories
9. My Pictures
10. My Bear :)

This one was a lot more tough then I had expected.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

10 Things...

Everyday I am going to try to do this :) I haven't decided if I'm going to go in order or not but we'll see!

* 10 things that make me happy are...
* 10 things that I value about life are...
* 10 things that I would love to have for my birthday are...
* 10 things that I believe in are...
* 10 lessons that I have learned so far in my life are...
* 10 things that make me laugh...
* 10 things that make me cry are...
* 10 ways that I can help someone else are...
* 10 accomplishments that I have done are...
* 10 places that I would like to visit are...
* 10 memories from the past 12 months are...
* 10 people that I would love to meet are...
* 10 things that I would like to carry with me at all times are...
* 10 expectations that I have of myself are...
* 10 things that I do well are...
* 10 things that I can improve on are...
* 10 things that I love about my family are...
* 10 beautiful things outside are...
* 10 things that I hope happen within the next year are...
* 10 good books that I have read are...
* 10 popular movie stars are...
* 10 popular music groups/artists are...
* 10 fun things to do are...
* 10 great daydreams are...
* 10 special people in my life are...
* 10 responsibilities that I have are...
* 10 things that I would like to do this summer are...
* 10 great movies are...
* 10 skills that I have are...

You should do them too :)

10 Things That Make Me Happy :)

1. Kevin :)
2. My Parents
3. My Teddy Bear
4. My Friends
5. Babies (I don't want one, they just make me smile)
6. Achieving A Goal
7. Being Productive
8. Helping People
9. The Fall
10. Books That Help Me Escape Reality


Today I am so tired. I don't want to go to work. I want to lay on my couch and watch animation domination. But no. I have to work at 6. It's not that I don't like my job, because I do, I'm just not feeling it today. I think someone should go to work for me.

On a happy note, my ex lost his job, then had to move back in with his parents because he couldn't afford his apartment, then they kicked him out because his little sister is pregnant so now he lives with his girlfriends dad. I know this shouldn't make me happy, but he was super shitty to me and he's finally getting what he deserves. That whole family is. :)

Today is bittersweet.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

A lot of things on my mind tonight.

Recently I found my old creative writing journal. I looked through it and a lot of things came back to me. I felt some things I haven't felt in a really long time. I was anxious about things that I shouldn't be worried about. And since then, I've had the urge to write. The only thing is, that when I'm up during the day, I don't want to. The only time I really want to write is when I'm in bed. Kevin's already sleeping and I'm just laying there, thinking about anything and everything. I think I'm going to start writing. I never did before because I felt as though it would be something I would need to do everyday, but I know I don't have to write everyday. I can write whenever I feel like writing. A lot of people would say that writing this blog is like keeping a journal, but it isn't. I want something that only I look at. To my knowledge, only two people have read what is in my creative writing journal, me and Miss. Stillson. And I like that. She wasn't reading it to judge, or grade, but to listen and learn about me. And because of that, I was honest. I wrote what I felt and wasn't worried about what she would think. I like sharing things with the few who read this, but I also like some privacy. There are some things I can't say on Facebook or Twitter. There are some things I can't say on here, but that doesn't mean I don't want to say them. I don't know. I guess that I just need to start doing this for me. Maybe it will help me sleep instead of sitting up thinking about what I could be writing.

Now on another note, I read a blog of a friend today. He had a post titled "Time" and he was talking about how when time moves slowly, we want it to go faster, and when time moves fast, we want it to slow down. He said something about how he needed more time, or he didn't have enough. It got me thinking about time and how we all use ours. I know that we all ask for more, or less depending on the situation, and that it definitely moves at different rates. But him saying that he didn't have enough time stood out to me. I think that we always have the same amount of time, I mean obviously we do, but I mean that whether it's going fast or slow really depends on us. We decide how to use our time, whether to stay busy or to slow down ourselves. I think that when time seems to be moving quickly, you should just stop for a minute or two and do something relaxing, something that isn't rushed. When I worked at Ponderosa and things started getting hectic, I would take a bathroom break. They couldn't tell you that you couldn't go pee. Usually I didn't have to even go to the bathroom, it just became exhausting. I would go in there and just breath. I would clear my mind and relax. Then, when I would go back out there, it seemed a lot easier. I could think faster and be more friendly. I think that everyone should make time for themselves when things are going to fast. Even if it is just a bathroom break.

Friday, February 11, 2011


so for english i have to make a resume type thing for an early start on my future teaching portfolio or something. so here it is :)

Indiana University South Bend
Currently Enrolled
Mishawaka High School
Graduated 2009
Extracurricular Activities:
Mishawaka Marching Band
4 years
Volunteer Work:
Pulse Fest Volunteer
Field Observation
5 Hours
Cadet Teaching
Child Development Day Care
Personal Attributes:

idk if that really works but it's what i got for now. so there. :)

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

today :)

I worked out a little. It was tough. But I think if I keep doing it and take some vitamins (which I'll start taking as soon as I'm off my meds) and drink more water/less soda, I think I'll start to see some progress. I really just wanna lose 30 lbs from my stomach, butt, thighs, and arms. I don't think it'll be too hard as long as I stay motivated. Tomorrow I have time between classes to workout and I think I'll do some cardio. This is gonna work out :)